Develop Emotional Intelligence to Grow as a Leader

When I stepped into my first managerial position, I was hungry to learn everything I could about leading others. I attended as many workshops and trainings as I could. They shared great advice for motivating others and lots of tools for great supervision, but something was missing. With the new pressures of the job, I was caught off guard by my emotional responses to stress. Fear about giving a presentation could send me into a spiral of panic. Thoughtful feedback in support of my growth sounded to me like others were questioning my ability to lead. I found myself ping-ponging between anxiety and frustration, barely able to remember those leadership tools I’d learned about.

The Importance of Emotional Intelligence

My problem was that I needed to increase my emotional intelligence. Many new leaders come to this realization early on. Your new position magnifies the emotions you feel on the job since the stakes feel so much higher. You’re dealing with new types of stress, with greater consequences, and so emotions naturally soar as well.

Developing emotional intelligence is a fundamental part of organizational leadership. It will guide how you interact with others, the choices you make, and how you present yourself. Plus, your ability to model emotional intelligence in your leadership sets the tone for everyone else.

Elements of Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence includes four main components:

Self-awareness: Understanding your own emotions and how they affect others and your work.
Self-management: Regulating your emotions and impulses, so you can respond to situations as effectively as possible.
Social awareness: Empathizing with others, connecting with people socially, and building strong networks.
Relationship management: Building healthy relationships, communicating well, motivating people, and mitigating conflict.

The first three elements are prerequisites for skilled relationship management. Without understanding your own emotions, it’s hard to tune into those of others and, ultimately, fulfill your strategic vision.

Consider these questions to assess your emotional intelligence:

Can you identify your triggers for getting anxious or angry—or things that help you feel calm?
When you get upset, can you calm yourself down? Do you avoid behaviors that can make tough situations worse?
Do you notice how coworkers are feeling throughout the day?
Do you manage conflict effectively?
Do you have strong bonds with team members?

If you said “no” to any of these questions, you need to strengthen your emotional intelligence. Read on to learn some of the best ways of doing that.

Growing Your Emotional Intelligence

Let’s explore how to develop the four components of emotional intelligence described above.

Cultivate self-awareness.

Start by tuning into your own emotional experience and learning what triggers your emotional reactions. Cultivate this self-awareness through daily self-reflection. After a tough meeting, ask yourself, “How did I feel in there? What brought up those emotions?”

Build your internal self-awareness muscle. Check in with yourself on a regular basis about how you’re feeling. I like to use an exercise called “taking your emotional pulse”:

Sit or stand in a comfortable position. Close your eyes if you like.
Take three deep breaths.
Ask yourself what you’re feeling in this moment.
Name your emotions and why they’re occurring.

This self-awareness prepares you to better manage your emotions. Your increased self-awareness will also bring consistency between your words and actions. When you say, “I want to hear your thoughts,” or “It’s okay to make a mistake,” people will believe you.

2. Learn the art of emotional regulation.

Regulating your emotions means moderating how you display them, as well as learning to control what you’re actually feeling. You’ll still feel anxious or angry, but you’ll be able to calm your emotions more readily and avoid reacting in ways that don’t serve you. Here’s how to do that:

Use a bodily awareness technique to anchor yourself in the moment. Observe the physical sensations you notice in your body. Where are you holding tension?
Have a “response template” in your back pocket for tough moments. Take a few deep breaths to pull yourself out of fight-or-flight mode, and then use one of the standard responses you’ve prepared.
Find an appropriate outlet for your emotions. Talk with a close friend outside of work, or your mentor, for example. Journal about your feelings. Scream from a mountaintop—whatever works for you!

The goal here is to shift from REACTING unintentionally to RESPONDING skillfully. Other outlets leaders that I work with love to use include: Going for a walk; taking 5 deep breaths before doing anything; stretching; allowing others to talk before speaking; taking a bathroom break; listening to a favorite song or looking at an image that reminds you of a happy place; doing a yoga move…you have so many options!

Now that you’ve done this self-work, it’s time to turn your attention to others.

3. Understand the people around you.

Understanding your team, and other colleagues, will help you relate more effectively. Here are a couple of important ways to do that:

Learn what motivates your direct reports by having three different “career conversations”:
- Talk about what drives them and what they value most.
- Ask about their dreams for their career—their personal vision.
- Ask about how each person prefers to communicate, learn, and receive feedback.

Tailor your approach to your team members motivations, dreams and needs. Are they excited to grow in a particular area because it meets their dreams or values? See if you can find opportunities for that growth. Do they prefer to shadow someone doing a task, listen to a presentation, or read and discuss instructions? Do they appreciate in-the-moment feedback, or does it interrupt the flow of their work?

Next, go a step further by making people feel safe and comfortable at work.

4. Create a sense of psychological safety.

Psychological safety is the sense that it’s okay to take risks, make mistakes, voice ideas, and ask questions. Here are some good ways of instilling psychological safety:

Make people feel safe sharing feedback with you. Combining thoughtful self-reflection with a request for specific feedback often works well.
Have a go-to question to prompt detailed feedback:
- “How can I better support you?”
- “What’s bothering you most right now?”
- “What’s your most important piece of advice for me as a manager?”
Keep a neutral tone during difficult conversations. This means sounding respectful, calm, and matter-of-fact rather than pushy, upset, or defensive.
When asking questions, come from a place of curiosity. Ask questions that prompt self-discovery rather than questions that sound like an interrogation.

Fortunately, I realized early on that I needed to develop more emotional intelligence to lead others and foster good teamwork. I went through the process of strategically developing it with plenty of support from trusted mentors. Through this journey, I became a leader that others could rely on and trust in turn.

Are you ready to strengthen your emotional intelligence? Do you wish you could respond more skillfully to situations that bring up big feelings? Get in touch to learn about coaching and training options for you and your team.