How to Stay Calm When Your Boss Is Not

Meetings with an emotionally volatile boss and strategies to manage conflict professionally

Margeau braced herself for her boss’s reaction to her news. Her team was facing a hurdle that threatened to derail their project, but the bigger problem was her boss’s inevitable panic at any obstacle. Her boss’s stress level would spike through the roof, and she’d find herself getting caught up in an anxiety reaction rather than confidently pushing forward. The cycle had to stop, or they’d never accomplish a major goal.

Emotionally volatile bosses cause a huge amount of stress—and often a toxic culture. Stress often comes out as anger toward others, as well as persistent anxiety. Teams doubt their abilities when their leaders don’t show faith in them—and in themselves. In fact, 35% of people say their boss is their main cause of workplace stress.

Interestingly, bosses who are sometimes unfair to employees create more stress than bosses who are always unfair. Employees’ anxiety rises because they never know what to expect—and perhaps because unfair behaviors can at times masquerade as fairness, causing staff members to internalize unfair critiques.

The Importance of Staying Calm

We’re hardwired to absorb other people’s emotions. When our boss or colleague exhibits stress, our mirror neurons fire away, catalyzing a stress response. Our own past experiences can be instantly triggered by watching someone else go through something similar. This stress response can also be caused by biofeedback—the nonverbal changes we witness in them. According to research, we unconsciously regulate our behavior in response to physiological cues from those we interact with.

Now, this can be beneficial by helping us develop empathy for others. But when we adopt other’s emotions as our own, we can harm our ability to respond to stressful situations. Anxiety is self-reinforcing, creating a cycle that can sabotage success and make us feel more anxious about our abilities. If you adopt your boss’s anxiety, it will negatively affect your own leadership, projects, and career.

Meanwhile, staying calm can have a positive influence on your boss and team. Mirror neurons work both ways—your own calmness may tame your boss’s reactions.

So, how to stay calm rather than taking on your boss’s emotions?

First, consider whether your boss should be your boss. If your boss insults or yells at you, displays unethical behavior or holds back your growth, it’s probably time for a change. In that case, your best option might be to find a more supportive environment or report your boss’s poor behavior (if safe to do so).

If the situation hasn’t reached that level, but your boss’s anxiety is getting to you, here are some techniques for keeping your cool.

Strategies for Staying Calm

By remaining grounded and at ease, you’ll be able to solve problems with self-assurance. You’ll tap into your own best thinking as a result, and your team will look to you as a beacon of competence and self-composure.

Manage Your Immediate Response

First, take charge of how you respond in the moment. Here’s how.

Step out of fight-or-flight mode. Breathe deeply from your abdomen to engage your parasympathetic nervous system, which helps your body to relax after an apparent threat has passed. This lowers blood pressure, slows your heart rate, brings more oxygen to the brain, and boosts cognitive functioning.

Have a go-to response template. It can be hard to think of the right response in a heated moment. Having a simple template with standard types of replies you’ve rehearsed can help you feel more collected.

Identify Patterns

Observe what triggers set your boss off. For some, it’s a certain meeting, perceived threat, or task. Others are more prone to stress at certain times of the day (like before lunch). Then, you can try to defuse stress at key moments with strategies like these:

Helping solve a problem your boss is facing.
Handling a routine task that always stresses your boss out.
Offering well-timed gratitude.
Apologizing for a minor mistake you made.

Accept Criticism Thoughtfully

Your boss may not deliver criticism especially well, but it might still be valuable. Assess criticism before internalizing it, running it through a mental filter by considering these questions:

What does this criticism say about my boss’s needs and framework?
Have I heard this before about myself? When and how?
What’s valuable here for my own learning and growth? My own sense of goals and what I want?

These questions will help you assess the fairness of the feedback. Strive to interpret and work with the feedback unless it seems unfair. Mentally imagine how a more emotionally balanced boss might say the same thing, reframing the feedback while still getting the point across. You’ll avoid feeding into a power struggle and your boss’s emotions to some degree when you show that you’re taking the criticism thoughtfully.

Protect Your Time

Your time working independently can be a refuge—if you know you won’t let yourself be interrupted. Carve out time each day that you’ll devote strictly to your projects, and let your team know you’ll be unavailable then. Avoid looking at your phone so you can maintain your focus.

Manage Upward

Act like a calm leader even when your boss doesn’t, using the following tips. This is a longer-term approach that can benefit your relationship over time.

Understand your boss. What are your boss’s goals, fears, and greatest obstacles? Talking about these things in your one-on-ones may foster understanding and help your boss feel seen, which can help defuse stress.

Adapt to your boss’s preferred communication style. Tailoring your communication to your boss’s style can strengthen your rapport. Does your boss prefer direct, even blunt, communication? Try to be forthright and concise. Does your boss like to be highly involved in your team’s projects? Provide frequent updates and prepare to answer lots of questions. Is your boss a visionary? Refer to overarching goals often, showing your boss that you’re on the same page.

Share constructive criticism with your boss. Discussing how your boss’s behavior makes you feel can be a good idea if you have a certain level of trust or rapport. Hearing your feedback is in your boss’s best interest, after all. If you feel comfortable talking with your boss about the issue, do so in a non-adversarial way. Rather than taking a confrontational tone, focus on sharing helpful feedback.
Use r adical candor principles for approaching your boss, being direct yet sensitive. Naming an issue you’ve both noticed can help clear the air. “Start with questions, not assertions,” writes Brandi Neal in Radical Candor. Seek to gain context, and try to have empathy for your boss. Saying, “Help me understand your perspective on this,” can prompt real dialogue, writes Tim Herrera in The New York Times. Then tactfully share your observations and work to pinpoint steps you can each take to remediate the problem.

Keep a discussion log. Document your communications with your boss in a log. Record feedback you’ve received and actions you’ve taken. If, for instance, your boss makes a lot of “always/never” statements, this can help you calmly provide a fuller perspective of events. Or, if you realize you’re being bullied, you’ll have a record of what has happened.

Build a Support System

A good support system will help defuse your anxieties. Here’s how to grow one.

Talk privately and share your feelings with someone you trust after a challenging moment. Explaining what happened and how it made you feel can validate your feelings. (At the same time, avoid name-calling, especially if talking with a work friend; you don’t want to sound unprofessional or have it get back to your boss.) Your confidant should be someone with a lot of emotional intelligence who can share a valuable perspective.

Develop relationships with advocates. You need people in your corner who will have your back if needed. This will help ensure your boss’s attitude doesn’t govern your career prospects. Plus, having other mentors will help you learn how stronger leaders actually lead.

Again, if your boss makes you feel belittled or bullied, it’s probably time to talk with HR. No one should have to be verbally abused at work.

Margeau began consciously shifting her own behavior when her boss started to get stressed, and it had a profound effect. Once her boss stepped away, her team would follow her lead and dive in headfirst to solve the problem at hand. Her calmness and capability also toned down her boss’s stress level enough to make it more bearable. Fortunately, HR spotted the problem and provided training to help her boss improve his stress response. They also took note of Margeau’s strong leadership in a tricky situation!

Are you navigating challenging dynamics with your boss? This is one of the most frequent issues I work on with my coaching clients. Schedule a call to learn how Amanda Silver Consulting might help.