How to successfully mediate tension on your team

In a leadership role I once held, two team members (I’ll call them Suzanne and Brett) continuously butted heads. They had very different work styles and personalities, making conflict almost inevitable. Suzanne did things by the book, while Brett was more apt to color outside of the lines. Both made valuable contributions. During one project, they were experiencing a major conflict about what the workflow process should look like—and it exploded into harsh words during a meeting. I stepped in and quickly shut down the conversation by providing a solution, but the conflict continued to fester. What had gone wrong?

In my zeal to resolve the conflict, I had avoided the conflict resolution process. As a result, neither party felt invested in my solution. Nothing had truly been resolved. Later, I learned what leads to true resolution of a conflict, getting all participants fully on board. In other words, I came to understand what a mediator actually does.

The Role of a Mediator—and Why It’s So Crucial

A mediator doesn’t singlehandedly determine the outcome of a conflict. Rather, the mediator guides a discussion of the issue, helping both parties to arrive at a mutually agreed upon outcome. The mediator brings an objective perspective and communication tools that facilitate this conversation.

Leaders need mediation skills because real conflict resolution depends on the alignment and participation of all those involved. If a leader imposes a decision, one or more parties may feel resentful and unheard, causing more frustrations to fester. In contrast, mediation calls on those involved to actively solve the problem together. With the support of a mediator, participants are more likely to engage in productive conflict that leads to growth, as opposed to hurtful conflict that damages relationships and continues indefinitely.

Consider that 29% of employees experience conflict almost constantly. On average, U.S. employees spend 2.8 hours per week engaged in conflict. If we equip our teams to handle conflict skillfully, they’ll reduce their stress and focus more fully on their goals. And that begins with developing our mediation skill set.

How to Mediate a Conflict

First, consider whether your help is actually needed. If both parties are being respectful and proactively discussing the issue, let them continue doing so on their own. But if the conflict has gotten personal or continued for some time without progress, step in.

Take these steps to help your team emerge from a conflict even stronger than before. By doing so, you’ll empower team members to express their feelings, generate solutions, and ultimately reach an agreement. As they take an active role in conflict resolution, they’ll also feel more invested in the outcome.

Approach the Situation with Curiosity and Compassion

Make sure each party has had time to cool down.

Taking a break can allow everyone to approach conflict resolution with a clearer head. Schedule a time and place to speak together privately. You might give your team members a few questions to reflect on before the discussion to help them collect their thoughts.

Act as though you know nothing about the situation.

Maybe you’ve been briefed on the situation, but act as though you’re approaching it from square one. Ask questions that invite the participants to explain it to you. This will avoid assumptions and can bring forth unexpected insights. Express a genuine desire to understand what happened from all perspectives. Then listen closely to the participants’ experiences—what they’ve said and what they haven’t said.

Deconstruct assumptions.

Work to constructively deconstruct assumptions, as Roberta Chinsky Matuson suggests in Can We Talk? Seven Principles for Managing Difficult Conversations at Work. For instance, if one person has expressed that the other is setting him up to fail, gently point out that this is an assumption rather than a fact. Neither person can truly know what the other intended.

Often in a conflict, common biases are also at play. For instance, you may notice a fundamental attribution error: the idea that a problem stemmed from someone else’s personality rather than circumstances. Approaching the situation with genuine curiosity—and an unbiased perspective—can help move beyond these assumptions.

Give each person uninterrupted time to share their thoughts.

Set ground rules for the discussion, such as the following:

Avoiding “always/never” statements
Refraining from making negative character judgments
Focusing on your own experience rather than what the other person intended

If the other person interrupts, remind them gently but firmly to listen.

You can use the mirroring technique to make people feel heard. This means paraphrasing and summarizing what you’ve just heard them express. Be careful not to sound like you’re taking a side, framing your words as “You feel …” statements.

After listening, it’s time to pinpoint what’s really at stake and where participants already align.

Identify What’s Really Happening

Using what you’ve just learned, guide participants to acknowledge where they agree and why the problem is happening.

Recognize points of agreement.

This is a first step toward a solution. Identify points of alignment and a mutual goal, which will heighten empathy and cooperation. As the mediator, you can share observations about where participants agree: “It sounds to me like you both agree on XYZ. Am I correct?”

Then establish a mutual goal. Make the goal reasonable rather than overly ambitious: “We all want to come up with a workflow process that will meet both of your needs. That sounds to me like the goal we’re working toward.”

Find the root cause of the problem.

Without finding a root cause, the conflict will continue to manifest in one form or another. Ask questions without judgment to learn what’s really at stake. Help participants reach a consensus about what is really happening under the surface.

For example, it turned out that Brett and Suzanne each felt the other frowned upon their working style and didn’t notice their talents. Through our conversation, they became more aware of each other’s talents while having their own abilities validated in turn.

At this point, you’re ready to segue into discussing a solution.

Find the Solution

Creating a solution should be a collaborative process. Here’s how to lead it effectively.

Lead a solutions brainstorm.

A mediator doesn’t assign blame and dish out solutions. Rather, good mediation involves guiding both parties through a discussion of potential options. Strive to voice ideas in the form of questions, draw input from both parties, and summarize how they’re both feeling about the options on the table.

Remind people that you’re seeking a workable solution that both can live with, which may look different than their ideal. Make a list of ideas without evaluating them yet. Then, rule out any options that participants find unworkable and circle the ones they both either like or can accept. Look for ways to merge desirable ideas. If you have an idea of your own, present it in the form of a question: “Could XYZ be a potential solution?”

Create an action plan with steps for each party to take.

Do you need to research options and regroup later, or has a straightforward path been laid out? Assign responsibilities for researching particular solutions to the participants, if necessary. Schedule a follow-up session if need be.

Follow Up

Finally, wrap up the conversation thoughtfully and check in again about how they feel afterward.

Check in about how each person feels.

Don’t force apologies, but at the end, ask each person how they’re feeling about the progress they’ve made. If they’re both feeling calmer and more empathetic after the conversation, they’ll likely offer apologies for any harsh words or actions that sparked the conflict.

You could open the door for apologies by setting the right example, too. Apologize for an oversight you made that contributed to the problem, like not providing enough clarity on responsibilities, for instance. This creates a safe environment for others to admit their own mistakes.

Talk with them about the change they’ve implemented.

Successful conflict resolution involves change, and every leader knows that change can be difficult. Sometimes people resist change unconsciously, even when they want to bring it about. So, later on, check in with each person regularly to offer support and guidance. Encourage them to check in with each other as well.

Through these steps, you’ll ultimately reach an agreement and compromise, finding a solution that both parties can get behind. Now, let’s go a step further and look at how to equip your team with good conflict resolution techniques of their own.

Helping Others Get Comfortable Resolving Their Own Conflicts

Of course, you can’t—and shouldn’t—resolve every conflict on your team. As a leader, you can help your colleagues grow their own conflict resolution skills

Share these conflict resolution tactics with your team:

Learn what causes you to get more heated in a conflict. Notice the mental and physiological changes you experience. Then, choose a go-to technique for finding calm as you start noticing those changes occurring. Also, pinpoint when it’s time to postpone the conversation. For example, If it’s escalating so much that your hands are shaking, plan to reconvene later.
Start with a low-risk conversation when trying out new conflict resolution skills. Practice these skills in lower-heat situations to build the muscle memory to use them in higher-stakes conversations.
Strive to understand the other person’s perspective. This can quickly boost empathy, helping them to remember that their perspective isn’t the only one. It may also remind them of how easily misunderstandings can happen, pushing them to check their assumptions. Genuinely listening to the other person can lead to real understanding.

Consider holding a workshop on conflict resolution for the whole team, too. They’ll then develop a shared team skill set, approach, and language for successful conflict resolution.

I took a mediation workshop to build the skill set to help Suzanne and Brett through their conflict. The three of us sat down and got to the root of the problem—their differences in working styles—and brainstormed potential solutions together. Each had to compromise in certain ways, but we came up with a process that equipped both to do their best work. Just as importantly, they each felt understood, and their relationship grew stronger from that point forward. They now viewed their different approaches as complementary. When hiccups surfaced, they were both able to communicate with more tact, patience, and appreciation for each other.