When You Don't Know What You Don't Know (and how to find out!)

True stories from the field...

I once facilitated an all-day retreat with a 15-person team that I thought went really well.  The next day, I received a call from a participant who told me it was a waste of time because people were afraid to speak up in front of the team leader.  

Then there was the time that I coached a leader who told me that his strength was openness to feedback. When we reviewed his 360-feedback from teammates, the most common theme was this person’s defensiveness when receiving feedback. The number one area for growth his teammates listed was ...yup, you guessed it…openness to feedback. 

And then there was the leader who prided herself in her ability to coach her direct reports. She called me in to help her train her team in the same coaching model. When I did a team survey, I learned that no one had ever received any coaching from her.

What do all of these stories have in common?   

Lack of Awareness!

We don’t always know what we don’t know. The higher you go up the leadership ladder, the less often people point out what you need to learn—and the more that lack of knowledge affects your success.

Your ability to lead doesn’t stem from your job title or positional power. The most effective leadership comes from how you model behavior and influence others. To do that well, you need to get clear on 1) where you are lacking awareness in your leadership and 2) what the impact of that behavior is on your team.  

For example, if Sam tends to be defensive when her team members provide her with critical feedback, but she’s NOT AWARE of her defensiveness, it will affect how her team relates to her over time. Her team members will lose trust in the Sam’s ability to create an open learning environment, even if she says that’s what she wants. Some members might decide to withhold critical information important for Sam to know rather than deal with her defensiveness. Over time, Sam’s lack of awareness about her behavior will create long-term stress for her team.  But if Sam understands what’s going on, she can start to adapt her behavior.   

Does your team feel safe providing feedback to you? If your answer is no or you aren’t sure, what might you be missing out on? What can you do to find out more? 

Get Clear on What You Can’t See

Think about every time you get behind the wheel. Your car’s blind spots make it hard to see what’s going on around you. The larger those blind spots, the more challenging it is to drive. 

The same is true in leadership. The first step is self-awareness—you need to understand how your team experiences you so that you can adapt your behavior.  Here are some of the top behaviors I’ve seen that get in the way of a person’s ability to lead. 

• Not asking for help - leading alone

• Blaming other people or outside circumstances - refusing to look at one’s own role

• Leading from a “know-it-all” approach

• Avoiding difficult conversations

• Not holding oneself or team members accountable for commitments

• Responding defensively to feedback

• An inability to say no  

• Not standing up for your beliefs or values

What resonates for you in this list? Choose one behavior to pay more attention to in your leadership and you will be on your way to shifting your behavior.  

Change Your Behavior, Change Your Results

Deepening your awareness requires courage and vulnerability. You might learn that you have an image of yourself that contrasts with the perceptions that your direct reports have of you. Ouch! I’ve been there. I know that it doesn’t always feel good. But the only way to deeper insight is through continuous learning and a willingness to engage. Here are some great practices to build your skills and check your lack of leadership awareness at the door. 

Look to the Past to Focus on the Future

Think back to two or three challenging situations that you’ve experienced in your role as a leader in the past few years. How did you respond? What did you do (or not do) to solve the problem at hand? Have any patterns or key themes surfaced in the feedback that you’ve received? Identifying your patterns of behavior in certain situations will provide you with deeper insights. 

Get Clear that Receiving Feedback Is Tough But Necessary

Make an effort to always receive feedback gracefully, as hard as it might be. Always thank the giver - especially if the advice is difficult to hear. That’s when you know that it took courage to share it with you.  

Lead by Example

If you don’t model the change you want, others won’t follow. Think about what it will take for you to walk the walk for your team, not just talk a good game. Be the strong role model that your people need through your actions and behavior, not just your words. 

Keep an Open Mind, then Assess

If a person gives you feedback that doesn’t resonate with you, this is your opportunity to pay attention and get curious. Don’t throw out the feedback, even though you may want to! Assess: Have you heard some version of this input before? If your answer is yes, it is time to pay attention. Be critically honest with yourself and don’t shy away from the tough input. 

At the same time, we always want to remember that feedback is as much about the person sharing the feedback as it is about you.  Two questions I encourage you to ask with any feedback that you receive are: 

• Does this feedback conflict with the kind of leader that I want to be? 

• Is this feedback important for me to achieve my leadership goals? 

Again, if the answers to these questions are yes, it is feedback that you want to respond to and soon! But if your responses are no, you may choose not to respond and that’s ok.  The feedback is useful information to have about your impact, but it may not be something you need to respond to proactively.  

Create a Culture of Feedback

After you’ve done some reflection on your individual leadership, it’s time to focus on creating a team environment where people can give and receive feedback in a constructive way. Here are some important steps you can take to build that supportive culture: 

• Ask for or give one piece of feedback at a time—too much can muddy the waters.

• Share or request specific feedback—for example, “What leadership challenges do you feel I need to work on?”

• Create a team of diverse thinkers so that you’ll get a well-rounded range of feedback.

• Come up with multiple ways for people to share feedback, so they can do what feels most comfortable for them. For instance, use a suggestion box, one-on-one conversations, or an informal survey.

• Use a 360-review process to make sure there are avenues for your team members to provide anonymous feedback on your leadership. 

Effective leaders draw wisdom from their team instead of stifling their creativity.  Building a culture of feedback will ensure that you are continuing to increase your own leadership impact AND will help create a thriving team. 

Are you ready to take the next step to deepen your leadership awareness and build a great team? Interested in doing a 360-review process? Book a call to learn how Amanda Silver Consulting can help.